This Night Last Year I Wore a Pink Dress

Last night while brushing my teeth I recalled how the same night last year I wore a pink dress. It was the night after Thunder Over Louisville. I enjoyed the music of a friend in the afternoon (I remember the songs), finished my paper, ate chicken cashew ding at Cafe Memosa, and took food over to a friend who gave me a souvenir from Korea. My to-go box leaked juice onto my dress, leaving  a nasty, brown stain near the rear, I fell down a couple steps on my way to Cefiore, and accidentally hit a friend in the face--all full of laughter and apologies. I remember these things and more with ease. The major circumstances (confidential) that surrounded that day changed my life. The minor details I've mentioned have stuck with me because of their proximity to the dramatic. As I continued brushing my teeth, I wondered, as I am in the midst of ongoing family trial with a grim prognosis, what will stick with me after the traumatic? What moments will be etched on my mind, particularly the ones with my dad? How will my life change? We'll see. I think the deepest valleys are yet to come. But I do know this: It will be good. Not pleasant, but good. (See previous post for clarification.)

Good Does Not Equal Pleasant

[Disclaimer: I recognize that good can function as a noun while pleasant cannot, but I think my point still stands.]

Languages are dynamic. Like living organisms, they change over time. Some develop, others die along with their people groups, and still others morph due to societal factors and the influence of other languages. The English language is no exception. For example, the progress of technology has decreased the demand for words like rewind, cassette, and darkroom. Another example: In the 1980s, the word cool became popular to say for all kinds of uses. Those of us born in that decade probably still use it as slang, but as its popularity seems to fade, it may not be as cool to use it anymore.

Beyond the flux of idioms and clichés, I have observed communication confusion due to semantic breakdown. Situations supply connotations for words that eventually adapt to a manipulated range of meaning as people confuse denotation with connotation. To be plain, a person will ascribe a meaning to a word beyond its “original” range of meaning because of the idea or feeling the word invokes. It seems to me that as more people do this to the same word, the word’s semantic range expands. Expansion, however, can lead to near replacement in meaning, which causes the communication confusion.

I faced this phenomenon over the winter while on the backside of a family crisis. My mom nearly died from sepsis; my dad was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer, underwent major colon surgery, and began chemotherapy; my uncle was diagnosed with incurable bone cancer the same week as my dad; I was sick five times with five different illnesses in one month; a good friend moved to South Korea for a year while I was out of state with my parents, a different friendship ended after returning home, and another friend temporarily abandoned me; and a week after my return I started a new seminary semester and resumed my service to my church family. All this happened in the span of two months. The question was inevitable: “How are you?” My response: “I don’t know.” Another inevitable question: “How are your parents?” I would try to answer positively.

What is the common response to such questions? “Good.” I struggled to know how to answer because, as the Lord sustained me, sometimes my inner being was in a good state though the circumstances were grim. If I answered “good,” however, the person would likely interpret me to mean that I feel no pain or am unaffected by the circumstances, as if they were pleasant. For me to say that things were pleasant would be a lie, but to say that I was good (which grammatically should be well) would not be. Do you see the dilemma? Good does not equal pleasant.

Since the Bible is my ultimate authority, it shapes much of my understanding of the word good. Scriptures like Romans 8:28-29, Hebrews 12:10, Deuteronomy 7:24, and Genesis 50:20, in their contexts, present a different “good” from how we often understand it today—very different. Someone tells us how an event went, and we say, “Oh, that’s good.” I am not saying that this use of good is wrong. I think it is appropriate to associate good with favorable circumstances. On the other hand, I am saying that using the word very liberally cheapens its greater use.

Throughout the winter I was often crushed in spirit. Even when the darkness would lift a little, I felt the deep inner wound. I thought much of Jeremiah 15:18-19. When I returned to Louisville, I asked Frodo’s question, “How do you pick up the pieces of an old life?” I know that now, if I try to recount all that God has done for me to carry me through and begin healing, my reflections would be incomplete. Let me just say that I have indeed tasted and seen that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:4). A sweet and intimate knowledge of him such as I have now I would not have otherwise known. Toward the end of my time in Missouri, I was thankful for sharing in Christ’s sufferings. I did not maintain this thanksgiving consistently in the days following, but to know it for a moment is worth it all. That is good. And the goodness does not stop there. Like in Genesis 50:20, what God did and is still doing is bringing about good for other people, not just my family and me.

The catch in the disparity I have observed between good and pleasant is that within this good I have put forward is pleasantness. It is just not pleasantness seen from the outside. It is not the sort of pleasant we naturally conceive. We must be retrained in order to grasp the greater use of good. From all this we see that sometimes good is misunderstood because of its association with pleasant, and the confusion spreads as its frequency increases so that they are sometimes considered equivalents. Do they overlap? Yes, but not entirely. I tell you, good does not equal pleasant.

Isaiah 41

I have been studying Isaiah for a while. Today I read Ch. 41. It starts out with God describing His sovereignty over world events. God uses even secular world leaders like unbelieving Cyrus the Great to accomplish His purposes, and unbelieving nations do not realize that His hand is working. When they see the Lord act, they fear and tremble, but they do not turn to the Lord. Instead, they work together to create more gods (idols) to worship and in whom to hope.

Then God reminds Israel that He chose them. He chose them from the beginning. He remembers His covenant with them. And He tells them, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand" (v. 10). This same Israel who rebelled against the Lord, this same Israel who partnered with unbelieving nations around her--God will help her.

Isaiah 41 continues with Israel's opponents being no match for the LORD God. Because of the Lord's devotion to His people, He will not let Israel's opponents stand. They will go to nothing. He holds Israel's right hand, none other's. God then reiterates again that He Himself is the One who helps Israel, so they have no reason to fear (v. 13). He will give her the victory, and He will receive the glory. He will use her against the nations.Then God will give aid to the poor and needy in ways that are unnatural, so that the nations will know that God is the One who has done all this.

I see myself in this passage. I was filled with hope in reading God's commitment to protect and uphold His people in covenant faithfulness because I know that He has that same commitment to me. Israel was a harlot, but God never forsook her. I am like her. Israel experienced oppression, exile, and many threats, but God is her God, and He is with her and for her. I am like her because in my suffering God never faints or grows weary, and walks with me, having suffered before me.

I am seeing and experiencing His love afresh. It is in this passage. It is in my life. Lately I have had many questions and concerns about my calling, ministry, education, and understanding and application of biblical womanhood. I felt lost, which in this case, I think, was a good thing. I have come to realize that fear of making a wrong decision about the future paralyzed me from making any decision at all. But God has helped me and is helping me. He is speaking to me and guiding me through Scripture, sermons, friendly counsel, and prayer. I was never lost. He found me long ago. Thanks be to Jesus Christ!

I have no reason to fear. God is with me. When God Himself is with me, who or what can stand against me? Even failure and loneliness is no match for the living God. "...the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other" (Deuteronomy 4:39).

I Was a Feminist and Didn't Know It: My New Quest

I am on a new quest these days to learn all I can about biblical womanhood, women's ministry, and what my role is. I have desired to serve in women's ministry for about three years. The heart behind that desire has changed though in the recent months. I started with the desire to the serve the church, then that desire narrowed to teaching Sunday School, and then it further narrowed to teaching women, simply because that is what SBC said was appropriate. I understood the actual teaching and discipleship as being fundamentally the same as teaching and discipling men.

Now my heart wants to minister to women not because of obligation but because I want to see young women grow into faithful women of God who defy the culture's skewed view of women and who stand strong against gender confusions. I realize now that a difference between men's discipleship and women's discipleship does exist by virtue of the fact that men and women are different.

God has humbled me. He has used different ways to do it. He has shown me that I know nothing and need to get busy learning from seasoned, godly women and preparing for who He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I listened to a podcast message tonight from True Woman. In it, Mary Kassian gave a overview of the material she covers in her book about feminism. While she shared a brief history of feminism, I realized that I am a feminist who professed complementarianism. (What?!) Yes, it is true. As Nancy Leigh DeMoss points out at the end of the message, feminism has even permeated the Church in North America. I see that. I used to work from the feminist framework that women's ministry was just a ministry on the side--a place to put women who were gifted in teaching and leading in spiritual formation but would go against the rule of teaching men if they were not put in their own corner. I bought into the belief that women were second-class and men called the shots, even in church. Such a tainted framework mixed with pride produced my ignorant stance that I did not need gender-specific instruction for ministry and that I might even be better-off for learning under men and experiencing dominant male influence throughout my life.

But God tore down the framework and spoiled my pride. He brought me low. Now He is building me back up for a right form. I am realizing that women's ministry is beautiful and necessary. Nancy Leigh DeMoss, Mary Kassian, Elyse Fitzpatrick, Joni Erickson Tada, and many other wonderful women are on a mission. And I think I want to join them.

Learning How to Die

I've had five reconciliation experiences in the past month. I just finished one today. Your first thought might be, "What's your deal?" I don't blame you for asking. I've wondered the same thing. Scripture this past week has especially ministered to me by way of conviction, correction, and teaching. I am reminded that I have so much more to learn! (It's a good thing I like to learn...) I have not been walking in wisdom, or at least I feel so confused. I talk to some trusted people who tell me one thing, and then I talk to other trusted people who tell me the opposite. Dare I forget to examine the Scriptures? I appeal to Psalm 19:8b.

I must say the Lord has used experiences in the past month to humble me. I feel very young and in need of much wisdom and growth. It motivates me to want to lean on God more. It's a beautiful thing, though I feel so unlovely. Bittersweet, I guess. Reflecting on this brings a song from Jon Foreman's "Winter" EP to mind. Part of "Learning How to Die" goes like this:

"All along thought I was learning how to take,

how to bend, not how to break,

how to laugh, not how to cry,

but really I've been learning how to die."

I'm thankful that the Lord loves me so much that He'll take me through momentary pain to make me more holy in the end. The passage I've been studying for a school assignment is relevant. Isaiah 1:21-31 presents God's plan to restore unfaithful Judah through judgment. He's going to refine them by fire, removing Judah's unbelievers until a remnant of obedient people are left. That's what He's doing to me. He's little by little removing my impurities so that eventually I'll be pure silver. This means my flesh must die.

So thankful.... The Lord is loving even in His discipline. Read Hebrews 12 and Psalm 19. They're really good! :)

"Foolish Games"

I heard this song last Wednesday. I hadn't heard it in a long while. It was in my head this morning and throughout the day.... Sometimes when I struggle to process pain, music and tears seem to be the only way I can let it out.... It was a hard day today, a hard week.... The lyrics don't fully apply, but some do--some do very well. It's mostly the mood of the song and the emotion the music evokes that resonate.

But I won't stay here. I refuse to stay here. I must look to Jesus. My mourning will turn into dancing when I turn to Him. My emotions will follow. I can always lean on His everlasting arms.

Thinking: A Poem

Thinking, thinking

Droning, droning

On and on the wheel spins

The cog races in its circuit

When will the end be?

When quiet is the victor

And laughter turns its face to fools

Dream on; it will come

Questions, questions

Complaints, complaints

Through and through rotten all

The squirrel finds empty acorns

What will the end be?

What ceaseless brightness pervades

And Love outshines the twinkling stars

Dream on; it will come

Raging, raging

Hiding, hiding

By and by a war brews

The blackout beckons confusion

How will the end be?

How the death does breathe its last

And smoke desists for purity

Dream on; it will come

Impressions

[These next two posts are poems I wrote some time ago. The first I wrote last summer, and the second last January.]

Impressions

Friendly, open, attractive

Looks like that punk

Initial impressions

Impressions

Bold, honest, different

Sits where he wants

Curious impressions

Impressions

Attentive, real, kind

Swarms with mad skill

Charming impressions

Impressions

Distant, quiet, busy

Thinks not of it

Confused impressions

Impressions

Blind, tired, settled

Says no good thing

Sinking impressions

I am sinking

Words

I watched the movie The Help tonight with family. It reminded me of the power of words. Since I learned to write, I've written. I did not have a cause at first; I just wrote to express my thoughts and feelings. I enjoyed it. In middle school, I wanted to not only express myself but also express meaning. In high school, I used the school newspaper to gain a voice. I also learned to write differently for different genres. Then in college, the meaning I wished to convey became a message. Somewhere between middle school and high school graduation, God made me alive in Jesus Christ (Eph. 2:4-9), as if I awoke from sleep (Eph. 5:14). Sometimes I share the message here. And sometimes it touches lives.

Tonight I experienced the power of words to hurt. Some decisions are very tough. Though my initial response was self-pity and a little anger, I knew that that was no way to go about it. Even now, God redeems the circumstances. I turn back to Him. He wastes nothing. His gospel, the one that is the power unto salvation (Rom. 1:16), is powerful still to sustain me. I do not have to respond in self-pity and anger anymore because Christ broke the bondage of sin. I can choose to respond in faith and courage by the power of the Holy Spirit. Ephesians 5 says to understand what the will of the Lord is. Well, I do know this: God wants me to trust Him to give me the wisdom for each decision and the words to say in tough conversations. It's gonna be okay. I am sure that I will witness once again, as always, God's grace prevail.

I am only the instrument. The gospel is the music with the lyrics for life.

God's Grace in Reconciliation

A friend of mine introduced me to the song "Oh My Dear" by Tenth Avenue North last Tuesday evening. It is about a man who visits his girlfriend because she has something to tell him. She sinned in some way and is afraid to confess the sin to him but knows she must. He reassures her of his commitment to her no matter what she did and to stick by her side as she puts off the sin. I am only acquainted with Tenth Avenue North, so I do not know the general content of their songs, but I will say that I do not hear many songs about confession of sin between two people. I appreciate it.

I appreciate it even more now because last night I was in a similar scenario. The specifics are different (such as the nature of the relationship), but it involved confession, a visit, and reconciliation. The main similarity was grace. God's grace was all over the situation. He led us to have humility and patience toward one another. In our confronting, listening, apologizing, explaining, and laughing, I see how His grace ended conflict and restored our friendship. If left to ourselves, I would probably be bitter now, and he'd still be confused. I am so thankful for the ultimate example of reconciliation in the gospel! Because God has reconciled us with Himself by the blood of Jesus Christ, we can reconcile our differences with one another. He not only gave us grace in saving us through faith, but He also continues to lavish grace on us in all wisdom and insight as we need it. Praise Him!

Like the song says, grace last night pulled us through.

Late-Night Thoughts

I have abandoned Blogger for much of this year, for my thoughts and even some experiences have been too personal to share--things of which I prefer to restrict to the Lord and me on the pages of my journal or, at most, share with my sister. It is true that "great indeed is the mystery of godliness." Ten years ago, when I first knew and believed the gospel, I could not have conceived that the Lord would teach me and change me as He has. I am sure that ten years from now, if I live to that time, I will be able to look back on right now and think, "I knew so little." No matter how much I learn or grow, I always have so much further to go! For God is from everlasting to everlasting (Ps. 90:2), and His ways past finding out. As a friend of mine would say, the finite in the face of the Infinite--or perhaps more accurately, engulfed by the Infinite.

Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?' 'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36)

A song's chorus I listened to earlier today captures well at least one ongoing experience of this year:

"Lord, I don't know where all this is going,

or how it all works out.

Lead me to peace that is past understanding,

a peace beyond all doubt."

He knows the end from the beginning. He sees how it all works out. I read a poem a few minutes ago, reminding me that God never leaves us, His children, as orphans, and Psalm 16 came to mind. It says, "For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption" (v. 10; prophetic of Jesus). Just as God did not abandon His own Son, He will not abandon us, His adopted sons and daughters, either. "All who are led by the spirit of God are sons of God.... His Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him... He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?" (vv. from Romans 8). We are sure in Jesus Christ because of Jesus Christ. In His hands is right where I want to be and right where I am. (So who needs to know the future or long for something different?) Anyway, Psalm 16 has ministered to me often in the past year and a half. It's been on my mind lately. You should read it.

All I Can Say, Part 2

Monday morning was horrible. All I could think of to say on my way to school were complaints, which my sister Rachel kindly helped me realize. The Lord started dealing with me more directly about humbling myself. Once at school I went into the bathroom and listened to the Gettys while I was in there. How they ministered to me! Slowly my heart began to soften.

I was working on my paper when a good friend of mine came to talk. Having practiced saying "no" the night before with Rachel (we really did practice) and confident that he would come over (that being the norm on Mondays), I was prepared to chat for a few minutes and return to my paper because I was on a mission. I didn't say "no" like I had practiced, however, because another much-needed conversation arose. The new knowledge that sprung from it and the civility in it gave me a sense of freedom and feeling of relief after I processed what was said. The day's frown was beginning to morph into a smile. I spent the afternoon with my friend Jin in the library, and it was wonderful.

Monday night I was back to falling apart. Something was nagging me from my earlier conversation, the distraction returned, and stress about my deadlines was mounting. I had felt like crying but couldn't. I tried to pray in the shower but couldn't. I didn't have much to sing either. Something was blocking me. I turned on some music since music usually helps me release when tears won't come. The songs ministered to me and did bring tears. I felt led to read Jeremiah 15, a chapter that has helped me greatly in the past. I saw myself in Jeremiah's words, "Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?" (v. 18).

"Therefore thus says the LORD: 'If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them. And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you, declares the LORD." (vv. 19-20)

The dam broke and tears flowed from my eyes. I prayed with ease then and confessed my sin to the Lord. How arrogant of me to turn to myself and then blame the Lord for my pain and accuse Him of being faithless! The truth is, He was right there with me all along. He says, "If you return, Kristi, I will restore you." What does that restoration look like? I get to stand before Him! He is "unutterably merciful" (Elliot 13). For the first time in a week I felt peace. God had stilled the raging storm in me. I need him every hour. Part of my guilt stemmed from neglecting His precious Word. I must eat His Word! or my spirit will suffer. I must drink His Word! or I will dry up.

"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts" (Jeremiah 15:16).

Though my external circumstances did not change, I was refreshed and revitalized. Elisabeth writes, "The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances" (20). I slept instead of finishing my paper, deciding instead to skip my Greek class to finish it. Today I awoke rested and at peace. I did not finish my paper in time (due partly to a technical difficulty), but I discovered at the end of class that my professor doesn't care if we turn it in on Thursday. Whew! Thanks be to God. He knew the whole time the paper wasn't truly due until Thursday, and He knew that I would have time to finish it. He's in perfect peace all the time, being the Author of it, and He is in control.

I say all this because of the chapel message I listened to tonight from earlier today. Dr. Chitwood encouraged us to teach others God's use of storms. The Lord has been refining me as gold through fire this past week and a half. He has leveled my pride in multiple ways and become my refuge. "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed are those who take refuge in him!" (Psalm 34:8). God promised me He would not let me go all-intellectual, and He heard my prayer for humility. It's true: The storms of life we go through make us like Christ. Now the quietness has returned, and life is simplified. I know of people who going through much more difficult circumstances than I, but what God did in my heart was monumental. My paltry words do not suffice. I wish I could express the high when He delivers me, but this is all I can say.

All I Can Say, Part 1

I have so much to say but no words. Not adequate ones anyway. This will be my poor attempt to relate the past week and a half that culminated the past two days--more accurately, how God has dealt with me and what He has done. I will go into detail during exposition to help you better feel the matchless joy and gratitude I felt in the resolution.

Last week was Spring Reading Days at Southern Seminary. I had planned a quiet, restful, yet productive week when I would write my Church History paper and watch The Lord of the Rings along with regular homework and ministry responsibilities. "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). The Lord instead had something much better in mind than what I had for myself. Monday my "spring break" exploded as I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Several things happened unexpectedly or earlier than I predicted to which I chose to freak out and bear down. Trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps never pleases the Lord, and it just doesn't work. As usual, I set the bar too high for myself when I shouldn't be setting the bar at all. I should simply trust and obey. This requires faith, not fear. As the week continued, the sin of turning to myself and not the Lord spiraled into more stress and more sin. Though I recognized God's hand moving (a few cancelled meetings that freed up time for schoolwork), I hadn't surrendered.

Elisabeth Elliot sums up my experience actually in these lines from Keep a Quiet Heart, a compilation of newsletter articles she had written over the years:

"A willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am and have constitute the key to receiving the gift of a quiet heart. Whenever I have balked, the quietness goes. It is restored, and life immeasurably simplified, when I have trusted and obeyed." (13)

So far, you see an example of when I have balked. Anxiety caused me to tremble within unceasingly. Progress on my paper was slow, though I had crossed LOTR, two meetings, Bible study, the story group meeting, etc., off my calendar. I was distracted in my thoughts thanks to "personal life" and worn from late nights. No quietness dwelt in my soul.

Then Sunday came. A much-needed conversation with my sister brought me conviction, helpful instruction, and new resolve. I felt rotten but thanked her because I knew it was God's goodness to me. The conversation also provided me with an opportunity for incredible distraction during my paper. I sat in my hot room staring at the computer screen, fingers posed on the keys, but no movement effused. I couldn't discipline myself to think about my research topic or even move. I just sat frozen with jumbled, idle thoughts. Meanwhile, how was I going to finish my assignments for Tuesday?

1 Cor. 4 Revisited: SBTS Chapel

Before I begin the actual point of this post, let me announce that my dear church family in St. Peters has their website up and running again! It's pretty sweet, and I am very excited to listen to the sermons from week-to-week!

Anyway, I've been sick and decided not to attend chapel today. Knowing that C.J. Mahaney would be speaking, I had to pseudo-attend via Southern's website. As soon as I began watching, I wished I was there. Southern really is like a family, and you feel it most when you're in chapel. (It's not all academia in the clouds, like some outsiders may think.)

After singing "All I Have Is Christ" and Dr. Mohler's introducing him, C.J. approached the podium to speak. Not long into his sermon, he asked us to turn in our Bibles to 1 Cor. 4. I cried. As you may have noticed, I posted about 1 Cor. 4 Tuesday night and posted a status on Facebook of v. 7. I am humbled by and thankful for how the Lord uses Scripture and obedient men to touch me in a transformative way.

You must watch the video and listen to his message. Then continue reading.

Before entering seminary, I feared that my struggle of going all-intellectual would return to the fore. I did not want to sink back into such a proud, hypocritical pit from which the Lord so graciously and patiently pulled me. Hearing the Word preached this morning--I'm crying even now--I feel His hand hold me (Ps. 139 comes to mind), as if He's saying, "Kristi, I've got you. You're where I want you. I won't let your feet slip. I'll protect you from your sinful tendency." He's humbled me yet again. The Lord is so good, and he assures with gentleness. What rest is there in Christ's assurance! I didn't grasp this Tuesday night. The Lord knew I needed to encounter 1 Cor. 4 again, especially v. 7. Thank you, C.J., for being an obedient servant of Christ and helpful brother to me and everyone at SBTS in delivering this Word. I am confident the Lord Jesus will continually warn and remind me that I hava nothing that I did not receive from Him.

1 Corinthians 4

I read this chapter earlier this evening and was struck by a few things. Before I share the specifics, however, let me first explain the broad strokes of the chapter. The church at Corinth was divided over which leader one esteemed over the other. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul addresses many weaknesses and questions in the church, including this division. His address on the problem actually begins in Ch. 3 and continues into Ch. 4. Paul writes at the opening of 4 how to regard the apostles--as "servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God" (v. 1). Such a regard is a far cry from setting them up on a pedestal. He goes on to warn about judging, in the sense of judging trustworthiness, for example (see v. 2), and even further lowers the bar by saying the apostles are the least of all the saints:

For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. (vv. 9-13)

Paul says, in effect, "As low as you can go, we're there." In considering this (and sort of as an aside), I'm not surprised that people would regard Paul, Apollos, and the rest as fools. They are homeless, hungry, reviled, etc., for what? For the sake of the gospel! They are stewards of it. God has entrusted it to them. To unbelievers, who see the gospel as ridiculous, the bearers of the gospel will certainly look ridiculous as well. Why go hungry for a crazy story? Paul says they are servants of Christ. They are slaves. How often do we put great leaders and passionate preachers on a pedestal, favoring one over another? Paul says also in the chapter that he and Apollos work together and follow their own teaching in order to set an example for the Corinthians, to prevent the Corinthians from doing beyond what is written, in becoming arrogant in judgments. [Aside ended]

Notice Paul's language at the beginning of these verses. He says in v. 9, "For I think God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death...." He says something similar but meant more literally in 2 Cor. 1:9 when he writes of his suffering in Asia: "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." Those whom God intends to use mightily he calls to much sacrifice and suffering. It is for their good in that they are forced to rely on God and cultivate humility, and, of course, God receives increasing glory through them.

Without such good in mind, it is easy to read Paul's account of their suffering in 1 Cor. 4 and feel sorry for them, but Paul explicitly explains that he intends to use their weaknesses to admonish the Corinthians. He is boasting in his weakness. He is saying, "We experience all these things--hunger, homelessness, mockery, etc.--to make Christ look great! So don't boast about us in what great leaders we are, but do as we do, and magnify the Lord by boasting in your weakness. Be humble, and recognize that we are only servants." So he sends them Timothy. Paul is their spiritual father, and he sends his child Timothy, their brother, to stand in Paul's stead as a model for them, that they would not forget these things. We see in this chapter that Paul is ready and willing to do all he can, in accordance with God's will, to serve these people. He loves them. At a cost, he wants to see them united and knowing the joy he knows as Christ slave, and he wants them to magnify Christ with him.

At 264 and Bardstown Road

This winter has been exceptionally cold and wet in Louisville. I've lived here for almost a month, and snow has covered the grass nearly every day. (Today, however, the sun was out, the ground was clear, and the temperature was nice.) I live in an old, drafty apartment--though I like it--that presents a particular challenge in my bedroom. The cold air floats right in through the window and base of the balcony door. I sleep with my bedroom door closed, so when the temp drops to seven degrees at night, my room becomes a seven-degree freezer, for the heater is insufficient, perhaps even ineffective, against the gentle breeze.

I will spare you the details of attempts to remedy the problem and the sleep loss so as to not deter you from the main point of this post. I will tell you that I began to get sick, and my good attitude plummeted. My sister bought me two small space heaters on sale from Target, and now I can sleep as snug as a bug in a rug.

So what's the point? Well, one cold, overcast day while stopped at a light for Bardstown Road, Rachel and I witnessed a homeless man hanging out under the overpass. He doesn't have a space heater. He doesn't even have a cold, dry room or a soft place to lay his head. I wondered how a man like him could survive the winter.

Suddenly waking up in the early morning hours with body tense and frigid air drifting past my ear wasn't so bad. I knew I had to endure only for a little while. This guy has the whole winter. It must be difficult to persevere, especially if he is not a believer in Jesus Christ.

Rachel has the idea and intention of creating kits of food and supplies to hand out to homeless people when she sees them. She can store them behind her seat in order to always have one ready to give. I think that's stellar.

Since we passed that homeless man, he comes to mind from time. I wonder how he's doing, what his happened in his life, and whether he loves or is loved by anyone.

Thoughts on Deuteronomy 15

Recently on Facebook, I posted as my status something about Deuteronomy 15 and said that I would probably blog about it. I've decided to post my journal entry from that chapter. Here it is:

Deuteronomy 15

This chapter is rich--far better than a smooth cup of coffee. :) These laws focus on love for one's neighbor through providing for his needs and love for God through sacrificing firstborn animals to Him and obeying His commands.

In the first paragraph (vv. 1-6), Moses explains the law of the sabbatical year and its appending promise. Every seventh year an Israelite was to forgive his brother's debt, no matter the amount. (His brother was any other Israelite.) If Israel obeyed God's commands, God's promise was that there would be no poor among her.

God shows great wisdom and kindness in this law and in blessing Israel with physical prosperity. He certainly knows economics better than we do, and He had a plan for helping the poor and, through that, the nation as a whole.

On the flip side of blessed obedience (and showing love for God) is cursed disobedience (expressing hatred to God). Chapter 28, verses 40-44 explains the consequences for not obeying God's laws: Israel herself would sink into poverty and would be overcome by a distant nation. She would no longer lend to others but would be ruled by others. Verses 11-12 suggest that Israel would eventually disobey and that the poor would always be with them. Ch. 28 confirms this. Jesus refers to this in Matthew 26:11, after the disciples complain that Mary has wasted her oil by pouring it on Jesus' head. His allusion to Deut. 15:11 seems like a slap in the face to the disciples, for it would probably remind them that Israel's hardened heart brought forth the poor. Verse 11 says, "You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land." Isn't that what God does for us (Ps. 145:15-16; 1 Pet. 1:3-14)? Aren't we supposed to mirror our God in Christ (Eph. 5:1-2; cf. 2 Cor. 6:11-13)? Let us give freely, supplying for physical needs and spiritual needs, as Christ enables. We are not to give grudgingly or be greedy (next paragraph in regards to releasing slaves). We are to be cheerful givers, like our Lord Jesus Christ.

Finally, our dedication to the Lord is to be pure. God commanded Israel to give to Him their firstborn animals without blemish or defect at His place with everyone. We, in the same way, are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices (Rom. 12:1-2). This idea of eating to the Lord is wonderful. It points forward to the church in its corporate worship and fellowship. Zooming out, these laws in Ch. 15 appear as precursors to New Testament instruction--or, more accurately, the New Testament continues the Old Testament's train of thought. We see here that paradoxical "new commandment is an old commandment" of John's and the exact agreement of Jesus and the OT Scriptures.

Finally, so interesting, story group discussed last night not letting the right hand know what the left hand is doing in Matthew 6:1-13. Also, don't give in public with a hypocrite's motive. These laws in Ch. 15 get at the same heart level as Matthew 6 ("Sermon on the Mount," Matt. 5-7). Give freely. We should focus on the Lord, be wrapped up in His manifold excellencies, and forget any desire self-praise or self-sufficiency. That is pure devotion and living sacrifice, and what best pleasures are hidden therein! Let's uncover them like buried treasure!

Rightly Handling the Word of Truth in Preaching?

Today Rachel and I visited a church in Fredericktown neither one of us had visited before but about which we had heard positive things. Services for Meadow Heights were cancelled, so we ventured out into the frosty air to worship the Lord with new people.

I was disappointed during the service, mostly because I was missing--and still miss--my brothers and sisters from FBC-St. Peters. The other reasons are lack of depth and expositional preaching. The message spoken was true but barely tethered to God's Word by way of Scripture proclamation. I have trouble with preaching like this because it is not false, but it is not couched in Authority, so I don't trust it. I know where I stand, but if someone asks me what I think about what I heard, I'm not sure how to answer them because I don't want to promote a critical spirit. (I struggled with this sort of thing for three years, so I'm gun-shy.)

I think a line about theology from Sjogren and Robison's Cat and Dog Theology applies here: The message is "not incorrect--it is just incomplete" (100). How can the hearers know the richness and many dimensions of the Word if the Word is not preached entirely, and how can the Word be preached entirely if only three non-consecutive verses are cited in a sermon? It seems more profitable and honorable to preach the Word (instead of a topic) and let It dictate the main body, implications, and applications of the sermon instead of limiting the Bible to supporting evidence.

On the flip side, the Holy Spirit works in people's hearts through either form of preaching, and the preacher in this service did proclaim Jesus. Do I have grounds to even be disappointed in the sermon I heard? (I even have trouble calling it a sermon.) I entered that sanctuary thirsty for a preaching of the Word and felt as though I received only a few drops of water. I expected that I would need to use my Bible but actually didn't. Jesus being proclaimed is good (duh), so I can't knock the preacher too hard, right? I'm thinking of the attitude Paul had in Philippians 1:15-18. At the same time, Paul commanded Timothy, pastor of the Church at Ephesus, to preach the Word.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.

I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. (2 Timothy 3:16-4:5)

So, what do you think? Are preachers who preach a true message from biblical principles but barely reference the Bible rightly handling the Word of Truth (2 Timothy 2:15)?

Review of 2010: A Look at the Lord's Work, Organized by Location

Well, I am back in Saint Louis until Christmas. (I've been here since October.) This makes the fifth residance of this year. I like that I have moved so much because I am learning to adapt quicker to new locations and new people—even though in most cases I have known the people already and just haven’t seen them in a while. Each location has its unique contribution to this season of preparation and seeking the will of the Lord.

Saint Louis (Dorm)—I finished my B.A. in Religion by working very hard. After slacking in my schoolwork in the fall and consequently receiving conviction from the Holy Spirit, I essentially completed two Greek courses in one semester along with Hebrew and some other courses. I attended the Together for the Gospel conference in April, which meant I had to complete my finals and most coursework two weeks early. T4G was amazing and one of the highlights of the year. I came to know God as my Comforter better than ever after Rachel left in January for six months to work in South Asia. God taught me in these four months the value and reward of hard work in the responsibilities that He gives me, and I appreciated even more my brothers and sisters of FBC-St. Peters.

Saint Peters—After graduation I moved in with a couple friends who are married and live near FBC. During this time, the Lord taught me how to wait on Him (something He started teaching me a long time ago but came to the fore in a particular situation) and to make good use of the time in non-busyness. One can live idolatrously in busyness, and one can just as easily live idolatrously in idleness. He also reinforced enjoyment of the seemingly mundane and thankfulness of simple pleasures in life. Also during this time, I studied my friends’ marriage and sat in on a couple marriage counseling classes in church.

Fredericktown—Moving in with the ‘rents was supposed to last only a month, but my stay extended to two after my mom was diagnosed with diabetes. For two months I helped cook and clean and aided my mom in transitioning to a diabetic diet. I was able to gain some skill in cooking and enjoyed even more the country and its pace of life. Rachel came home from overseas—my original reason for living in Fredericktown—and stayed for a month before returning to work and school. That was an exciting time for our family but also a hard one. We faced many challenges and a few trials in just a few weeks. I struggled at the end of those weeks, and the Lord reminded me the importance of ingesting the Word of God, my spiritual food. He also reminded me of the depravity of my natural human condition, for I was put to the test many instances and in many ways, and I did not always pass. At the end, however, I had endured by His grace. I certainly got to know my parents better and had some good times with both of them individually.

Louisville—Oh, my goodness! Did I ever have such a full month! I moved to Louisville for a month (in between NANC CDT conference weekends) and stayed with Rachel and her roommate Heather. There I unexpectantly became involved in international ministry/North American missions. The Lord put a few int’l women into my lap, and I love them. He also gave me a great group of friends, some also being brothers and sisters in Christ. I hung out on Southern Seminary’s campus a little bit, sat in on a couple classes, and attended some of the chapel services. I visited a few different churches for future reference and met the challenge of knowing what should be deal-breakers for membership. In this month, the Lord Jesus confirmed that I should move to Louisville in January. He showed me that self-evaluation for the sake of sanctification should not require as much attention as I was giving it. He did this by busying me with ministry that I thought and prayed more for others and realized that God uses ministry to further sanctification and uses sanctification to further ministry. Who would have thought? God allowed me to experience a risk-taking faith by which I did things for which I had no formal training. It was during this time that the Lord turned me back to missions and Bible translation, though I have not committed to them yet.

Saint Louis—After the last weekend of the NANC conference, I moved into my friend Gaby’s apartment. Early on I was discontent and restless, feeling like I had lost my purpose after Kingdom work in Louisville. God provided Scripture and people to help me through it. Now I am settled in and even attached but still anticipating my return to ministry in Louisville. Also I felt spoiled because I had a large shower, a bed, a full-size kitchen, silverware, etc. I was here again able to enjoy the fellowship, love, and teaching of FBC-St. Peters. It rips my heart out even now as I type to think of leaving my dear brothers and sisters. I just spent my last Sunday with them, for which I am very thankful and with whom I shared the Lord’s Supper. Tomorrow will be my last Wednesday evening with them. I would like to one day become a member of this church, but only the Lord knows if that is in store for me. In little or plenty, busyness or non-busyness, company of believers or unbelievers, fellowship of church family or not, I am to be content.

And so God has led me lovingly through highs and lows, and I am confident that I am more like His Son Jesus Christ now than when I first began 2010. It was the most difficult year I have lived but also the most different and maybe the best. It is an encouragement to look back and observe the lessons God has taught me and the trials He’s brought me through because it means He’s working in and through me, pruning me as I abide in Him. To Him be the glory. Now the plan is to move to Louisville in January, where I will let the roots go deep instead of continual transplants. I am open to whatever the Lord has in store, I think, for no matter where I go, He is always with me.

Note: I realize that I have frequently used phrases like “God taught me,” “God showed me,” etc., in this post without seating them in Scripture. All I’ve learned mentioned here does not contradict Scripture, however, so I recognize them as legitimate.

Here to There

Last August, Meadow Heights Church (my hometown church family) invited Rachel and me to attend the Global Leadership Summit, expenses paid. I considered this a gracious invitation to me given my past struggles with a critical spirit toward them. Anyway, we accepted (duh) and carpooled down to Cape Girardeau.

Bill Hybels spoke in the first session (no surprise; it's a Willow Creek Association conference) and gave a helpful illustration for how leaders can motivate and help their people persevere. It goes something like this: He creates a starting point, then draws a line up at a 45-degree angle to an ending point. The question is, how do we ensure that those we're leading do not give up in the middle of the two endpoints? Answer: Remind them of the "nothing" they came from and the "everything" to which they're heading.

I share this illustration because it can relate to the Christian life as well in illustrating our continual need for the gospel. Colossians 2:6-7 says, "Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving." How do we become Christians? God shines in our hearts the light of the knowledge of His glory in the face of Jesus Christ (2 Cor. 4:6), effectively leading us to faith and repentance. How do we continue as Christians? God shines in our hearts the light of the knowledge of the His glory in the face of Jesus Christ, effectively leading us to faith and repentance.

Even so, we always need the gospel. Consider Philippians 2:12-13: "Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure." We are able to obey in working out our own salvation because God is working in us. It is His will for us to become like His Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 8:29). The gospel captures both endpoints in the illustration and all that is in between; it's all wrapped up in Jesus Christ (Revelation 21:6; 22:13; etc.).

God not only gives us the strength and the will to press on, He's the One who convicts us through His Holy Spirit and teaches us, so that we are continually believing and repenting, believing and repenting--growing and changing--and He so wonderfully keeps us (Jude 1, 24; etc.).

So if you're in the middle somewhere and need help pressing on, or if you're helping others press on, remember where you came from: "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind" (Ephesians 2:1-3).

And what He did in you: "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus" (vv. 4-6).

And remember where you're going: "so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (vv. 7-10).

Don't be of those who shrink back. God has no pleasure in them. (See Hebrews 10). There's so much more I could say, so if you want me to elaborate, let me know. This will do for now.