All I Can Say, Part 2

Monday morning was horrible. All I could think of to say on my way to school were complaints, which my sister Rachel kindly helped me realize. The Lord started dealing with me more directly about humbling myself. Once at school I went into the bathroom and listened to the Gettys while I was in there. How they ministered to me! Slowly my heart began to soften.

I was working on my paper when a good friend of mine came to talk. Having practiced saying "no" the night before with Rachel (we really did practice) and confident that he would come over (that being the norm on Mondays), I was prepared to chat for a few minutes and return to my paper because I was on a mission. I didn't say "no" like I had practiced, however, because another much-needed conversation arose. The new knowledge that sprung from it and the civility in it gave me a sense of freedom and feeling of relief after I processed what was said. The day's frown was beginning to morph into a smile. I spent the afternoon with my friend Jin in the library, and it was wonderful.

Monday night I was back to falling apart. Something was nagging me from my earlier conversation, the distraction returned, and stress about my deadlines was mounting. I had felt like crying but couldn't. I tried to pray in the shower but couldn't. I didn't have much to sing either. Something was blocking me. I turned on some music since music usually helps me release when tears won't come. The songs ministered to me and did bring tears. I felt led to read Jeremiah 15, a chapter that has helped me greatly in the past. I saw myself in Jeremiah's words, "Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?" (v. 18).

"Therefore thus says the LORD: 'If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them. And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you, declares the LORD." (vv. 19-20)

The dam broke and tears flowed from my eyes. I prayed with ease then and confessed my sin to the Lord. How arrogant of me to turn to myself and then blame the Lord for my pain and accuse Him of being faithless! The truth is, He was right there with me all along. He says, "If you return, Kristi, I will restore you." What does that restoration look like? I get to stand before Him! He is "unutterably merciful" (Elliot 13). For the first time in a week I felt peace. God had stilled the raging storm in me. I need him every hour. Part of my guilt stemmed from neglecting His precious Word. I must eat His Word! or my spirit will suffer. I must drink His Word! or I will dry up.

"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts" (Jeremiah 15:16).

Though my external circumstances did not change, I was refreshed and revitalized. Elisabeth writes, "The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances" (20). I slept instead of finishing my paper, deciding instead to skip my Greek class to finish it. Today I awoke rested and at peace. I did not finish my paper in time (due partly to a technical difficulty), but I discovered at the end of class that my professor doesn't care if we turn it in on Thursday. Whew! Thanks be to God. He knew the whole time the paper wasn't truly due until Thursday, and He knew that I would have time to finish it. He's in perfect peace all the time, being the Author of it, and He is in control.

I say all this because of the chapel message I listened to tonight from earlier today. Dr. Chitwood encouraged us to teach others God's use of storms. The Lord has been refining me as gold through fire this past week and a half. He has leveled my pride in multiple ways and become my refuge. "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed are those who take refuge in him!" (Psalm 34:8). God promised me He would not let me go all-intellectual, and He heard my prayer for humility. It's true: The storms of life we go through make us like Christ. Now the quietness has returned, and life is simplified. I know of people who going through much more difficult circumstances than I, but what God did in my heart was monumental. My paltry words do not suffice. I wish I could express the high when He delivers me, but this is all I can say.

All I Can Say, Part 1

I have so much to say but no words. Not adequate ones anyway. This will be my poor attempt to relate the past week and a half that culminated the past two days--more accurately, how God has dealt with me and what He has done. I will go into detail during exposition to help you better feel the matchless joy and gratitude I felt in the resolution.

Last week was Spring Reading Days at Southern Seminary. I had planned a quiet, restful, yet productive week when I would write my Church History paper and watch The Lord of the Rings along with regular homework and ministry responsibilities. "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). The Lord instead had something much better in mind than what I had for myself. Monday my "spring break" exploded as I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Several things happened unexpectedly or earlier than I predicted to which I chose to freak out and bear down. Trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps never pleases the Lord, and it just doesn't work. As usual, I set the bar too high for myself when I shouldn't be setting the bar at all. I should simply trust and obey. This requires faith, not fear. As the week continued, the sin of turning to myself and not the Lord spiraled into more stress and more sin. Though I recognized God's hand moving (a few cancelled meetings that freed up time for schoolwork), I hadn't surrendered.

Elisabeth Elliot sums up my experience actually in these lines from Keep a Quiet Heart, a compilation of newsletter articles she had written over the years:

"A willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am and have constitute the key to receiving the gift of a quiet heart. Whenever I have balked, the quietness goes. It is restored, and life immeasurably simplified, when I have trusted and obeyed." (13)

So far, you see an example of when I have balked. Anxiety caused me to tremble within unceasingly. Progress on my paper was slow, though I had crossed LOTR, two meetings, Bible study, the story group meeting, etc., off my calendar. I was distracted in my thoughts thanks to "personal life" and worn from late nights. No quietness dwelt in my soul.

Then Sunday came. A much-needed conversation with my sister brought me conviction, helpful instruction, and new resolve. I felt rotten but thanked her because I knew it was God's goodness to me. The conversation also provided me with an opportunity for incredible distraction during my paper. I sat in my hot room staring at the computer screen, fingers posed on the keys, but no movement effused. I couldn't discipline myself to think about my research topic or even move. I just sat frozen with jumbled, idle thoughts. Meanwhile, how was I going to finish my assignments for Tuesday?