God is faithful. His
steadfast love endures forever. He is rich in mercy. He hurts when I hurt. He
has a sovereign plan that cannot be thwarted. His plans are always for my good
and for his glory. “…this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal
weight of glory beyond all comparison…” (2 Corinthians 4:17).
These are some of the truthful thoughts that helped me
endure and trust God in the midst of my most recent trials. The past three
months since graduation have been a hurricane. The winds and waves have rushed
over me, body and soul, but as the sky begins to clear, I am still standing,
and my faith is still intact. God held me fast.
That was my heart’s prayer when it all began. Lord, please hold us fast. I wanted to
live out James 1:2-4. I had no idea what was in store for me and how much God
would test my faith in a short amount of time. I recall the inland hurricane
that struck the Heartland on May 8, 2009. Some elements of the two trials are
the same, including my ignorance of what was coming. I thought it was just a
short, passing thunderstorm. But it would go on and on, with tornadoes and
floods everywhere. The power would go out of me like the electrical power lines
that went down. I was not able to shower for days either time.
It started May 25, the day of my first ultrasound. The baby
was two weeks less developed than expected and gave no heartbeat. After a hard
week of waiting, I underwent a second ultrasound that confirmed the baby had
died. We were trying to grasp reality and deciding how to miscarry at the same
time. I first tried taking pills to induce the miscarriage, but they were
ineffective, according to ultrasound three. We reluctantly scheduled a D&C
for the following Monday, June 13. On the weekend prior, however, I started to
bleed and cramp on my own. We wondered whether God was answering prayers for a
natural miscarriage. He was not. I bled and cramped for days with no
miscarriage. I went to the ER Wednesday night, feeling weak with low blood
pressure. My vitals and pelvic exam showed good health, so the doctor
discharged me. Unfortunately, he may have caused my cervix to open via the
pelvic exam. A while after returning home and eating, my cervix opened. The
gross trauma began, involving collapse and near fainting, lots of blood,
passing of tissues, and a call to 911. I became hypotensive with uncontrollable
shivering and much pain. A kind and compassionate doctor performed the D&C
Thursday morning, the 16th.
I felt good when I woke up from the anesthesia. I thought
the trial was near its end, and happy days were on their way. The miscarriage
was the worst of the tornadoes, but the storm was not over. A few days later,
my pain increased. Then began a week of varied physical problems and more
tests. In summary, I popped the disk in my left jaw, found out the pain was
from a UTI, suddenly lost vision, developed inflammation in my back, ribs,
shoulders, and neck, and suffered from sinus pain and headaches throughout.
Near the end of the week I struggled with anger toward God. I was tired of
fighting the good fight and was losing a divine perspective on my troubles. God
swept in, it seems, with the refreshing rain of Scripture, and I submitted to
his will yet again.
Though God had sustained me throughout the traumatic, drawn-out
miscarriage and had remained faithful to his promises in the Bible, I clumped
the events together in my mind. The physical suffering had lasted for what felt
like a long time so that I had not fully digested and mourned the emotional
pain. After my follow-up visit at the obstetrics clinic went well, the emotions
kicked in, just as my doctor had warned me.
Grief seemed to me a trial in itself. I lay awake during the
nights with so many thoughts and images running through my mind. Some thoughts
were trite, but inevitably the miscarriage would come to the forefront.
Sometimes I would cry. Other times I wish I could. In the daytime, my soul
would ache. To people who invited me to share my pain with them I could not
find words to say, and to those who did not acknowledge my pain at all I felt
hurt and disappointment. In social situations, I felt pressure to pretend like
everything was fine—as if no ache or emptiness loomed from my gut. In a short
time insomnia set in. Enter more winds and waves.
Grief, hormones, and insomnia can create a vicious cyclone
that strengthen each other’s impact and exhaust the whole person. I struggled
to think clearly and to walk quickly. I still prayed and called God’s promises
to mind, but I was also overreacting to daily stressors and giving way to anger
toward my husband. I had to repent of sin several times, as I was causing much
damage. I felt unstable. Through it all, though, God continued to minister to
me and uphold me. Praise him that his mercies are new every morning! (Lamentations
3:23)
Finally, after a couple weeks of dissipated symptoms in the
eye of the hurricane, I face its tail end, I think. I finally rid the UTI after
four rounds of antibiotics as well as a yeast infection. I am now only dealing
with neck and back problems. Lord Jesus has exposed my idolatry in desiring
good health too much so that I am beginning to learn to rejoice and hope in him
and not good health.
I am still grieving, of course, but I have come to accept
the miscarriage. It is a gift from God’s hand. God truly has held us fast. He
gave us supportive family members and sermons, including a timely one on James
1 by our brother-in-law. He gave me counseling training lectures on relevant
topics (e.g., anger, depression). He ministered to us through his church by
means of prayer, consolation, and meals. He provided my mother-in-law to care
for me while my husband worked. He renewed our inner selves by means of his
Word, the Bible. Hymns like “How Firm a Foundation” and “My Hope Is Built”
brought assurance and encouragement. God’s fingerprints were all over our trial
and still are. He is in control of every wind and wave and never loses sight of
us. Even when we do not know what good will come from such a season, God is
working. If we saw every move he made we would not need faith. He wants us to
trust him. The thoughts are true:
God is faithful. His
steadfast love endures forever. He is rich in mercy. He hurts when I hurt. He
has a sovereign plan that cannot be thwarted. His plans are always for my good
and for his glory. “…this light, momentary affliction is preparing for us an
eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison…” (2 Corinthians 4:17).
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