My Heart May Fail, but God is the Strength of My Heart

So I just received much edification from a friend's blog. I originally was going to post a note about my "downcast" day and health problems, but the Spirit led me to check out this blog before writing. I'm glad He did. I'm still going to write about my "downcast" day and health problems, but to a different end, for my attitude has changed. As I sit here sweating profusely (gross, I know), let me tell you what's been going on.

Oh, by the way, I watched an ADORABLE video of my baby relative, Ella Grace. Okay, moving back...

This semester is by far the busiest I've experienced. I was relaxed about it for a little while until my iCal provided me with a reality check, and my intensity resumed its well-worn status. Though it overwhelms me at times--okay, many times--the Lord has also infused this semester with inexpressible joy in Him. Through His Spirit, His Word comes alive to me and blows me away. I sit in awe of Him and probably come off as a crazy person because I'll get this huge Cheshire grin on my face and start laughing out loud. I may talk about it with others too, but all this expression doesn't do the joy justice. That's why I say it's inexpressible. Not only in digesting His Word but also in using His Word as a sword and His promises as a firm foundation does He fill me with His joy. Thirdly, I experience His joy through fellowship and teaching from my spiritual brothers and sisters. The bond of Christ--think about the bond of Christ--you can't replace it.

I say all that to give you a backdrop for my current struggles. It will also serve as the closing curtain. Alongside this joy has existed a "thorn." I have experienced poor health in some way since Christmas break. Back pain, sinusitis, digestion difficulties, disruptive mitral valve prolapse (MVP) symptoms, and, of course, ever-present retinitis pigmentosa (RP) make up this thorn. The past two weeks it's been my heart.

Quick biology lesson: The mitral valve controls blood flow from the left atrium at the top of the heart to the left ventricle at the bottom. It has two flaps (called leaflets) that open and close upon contraction. When the valve prolapses, it bulges and does not close correctly. Caffeine (or any stimulant), certain meds, lack of sleep, and stress causes the valve to malfunction even more. My cardiologist can hear the dysfunction when he listens to my pulse.

So, remember earlier when I said this semester is "by far the busiest"? Hello, MVP. Raspberry hot chocolate got it started, and I've been ticking something crazy ever since--well, until last Friday. Many people were/are praying for me, especially last Thursday. I went to bed Thursday night with my heart pounding. I awoke Friday feeling perfectly fine. The whole weekend was lovely. Praise the Lord!

Today I had some symptoms and wasn't feeling well. On top of that, I was very stressed. Not feeling good + very stressed / on-going circumstance = irritable Kristi. I am reminded now again that joy in God requires a fight. We must fight for joy, or we'll lose it. When you have joy in God, you realize it as precious. That, along with the fact that it glorifies God, motivates you to guard it. I feel like I am losing this joy and that my heart is wandering away, and it scares me.

[Aside: I was so pleased with the victory the Lord gave me in a recent spiritual battle, but in light of how I seem to be losing my current battle, I recall Luke 10:20, where Jesus says, "Nevertheless, do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven." Everything I have received; nothing good is of myself, so I cannot boast in even my past victory but only in the cross of Christ.]

[I was going to explain that I felt lost as to how to prevent this joy from slipping, but before I knew it I turned to praying Scripture. Question answered.]

O Lord, You keep me. You preserve me for your lasting possession. "In your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them" (Psalm 139:16)--even today. This day I was downcast in spirit (Ps. 42:5-6, 11) and intense to the point of trembling, but here I sit now in the assurance of Your love and mercy and sovereignty. Your provision, O Lord, is great. In Your infinite wisdom you give it.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit" (Psalm 51:12).

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And on earth there is nothing that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25-26).

In Jesus' name, amen.