I have abandoned Blogger for much of this year, for my thoughts and even some experiences have been too personal to share--things of which I prefer to restrict to the Lord and me on the pages of my journal or, at most, share with my sister. It is true that "great indeed is the mystery of godliness." Ten years ago, when I first knew and believed the gospel, I could not have conceived that the Lord would teach me and change me as He has. I am sure that ten years from now, if I live to that time, I will be able to look back on right now and think, "I knew so little." No matter how much I learn or grow, I always have so much further to go! For God is from everlasting to everlasting (Ps. 90:2), and His ways past finding out. As a friend of mine would say, the finite in the face of the Infinite--or perhaps more accurately, engulfed by the Infinite.
Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 'For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?' 'Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?' For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. (Romans 11:33-36)
A song's chorus I listened to earlier today captures well at least one ongoing experience of this year:
"Lord, I don't know where all this is going,
or how it all works out.
Lead me to peace that is past understanding,
a peace beyond all doubt."
He knows the end from the beginning. He sees how it all works out. I read a poem a few minutes ago, reminding me that God never leaves us, His children, as orphans, and Psalm 16 came to mind. It says, "For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption" (v. 10; prophetic of Jesus). Just as God did not abandon His own Son, He will not abandon us, His adopted sons and daughters, either. "All who are led by the spirit of God are sons of God.... His Spirit bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him... He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with Him graciously give us all things?" (vv. from Romans 8). We are sure in Jesus Christ because of Jesus Christ. In His hands is right where I want to be and right where I am. (So who needs to know the future or long for something different?) Anyway, Psalm 16 has ministered to me often in the past year and a half. It's been on my mind lately. You should read it.
Monday morning was horrible. All I could think of to say on my way to school were complaints, which my sister Rachel kindly helped me realize. The Lord started dealing with me more directly about humbling myself. Once at school I went into the bathroom and listened to the Gettys while I was in there. How they ministered to me! Slowly my heart began to soften.
I was working on my paper when a good friend of mine came to talk. Having practiced saying "no" the night before with Rachel (we really did practice) and confident that he would come over (that being the norm on Mondays), I was prepared to chat for a few minutes and return to my paper because I was on a mission. I didn't say "no" like I had practiced, however, because another much-needed conversation arose. The new knowledge that sprung from it and the civility in it gave me a sense of freedom and feeling of relief after I processed what was said. The day's frown was beginning to morph into a smile. I spent the afternoon with my friend Jin in the library, and it was wonderful.
Monday night I was back to falling apart. Something was nagging me from my earlier conversation, the distraction returned, and stress about my deadlines was mounting. I had felt like crying but couldn't. I tried to pray in the shower but couldn't. I didn't have much to sing either. Something was blocking me. I turned on some music since music usually helps me release when tears won't come. The songs ministered to me and did bring tears. I felt led to read Jeremiah 15, a chapter that has helped me greatly in the past. I saw myself in Jeremiah's words, "Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed? Will you be to me like a deceitful brook, like waters that fail?" (v. 18).
"Therefore thus says the LORD: 'If you return, I will restore you, and you shall stand before me. If you utter what is precious, and not what is worthless, you shall be as my mouth. They shall turn to you, but you shall not turn to them. And I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze; they will fight against you, but they shall not prevail over you, for I am with you to save you and deliver you, declares the LORD." (vv. 19-20)
The dam broke and tears flowed from my eyes. I prayed with ease then and confessed my sin to the Lord. How arrogant of me to turn to myself and then blame the Lord for my pain and accuse Him of being faithless! The truth is, He was right there with me all along. He says, "If you return, Kristi, I will restore you." What does that restoration look like? I get to stand before Him! He is "unutterably merciful" (Elliot 13). For the first time in a week I felt peace. God had stilled the raging storm in me. I need him every hour. Part of my guilt stemmed from neglecting His precious Word. I must eat His Word! or my spirit will suffer. I must drink His Word! or I will dry up.
"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts" (Jeremiah 15:16).
Though my external circumstances did not change, I was refreshed and revitalized. Elisabeth writes, "The secret is Christ in me, not me in a different set of circumstances" (20). I slept instead of finishing my paper, deciding instead to skip my Greek class to finish it. Today I awoke rested and at peace. I did not finish my paper in time (due partly to a technical difficulty), but I discovered at the end of class that my professor doesn't care if we turn it in on Thursday. Whew! Thanks be to God. He knew the whole time the paper wasn't truly due until Thursday, and He knew that I would have time to finish it. He's in perfect peace all the time, being the Author of it, and He is in control.
I say all this because of the chapel message I listened to tonight from earlier today. Dr. Chitwood encouraged us to teach others God's use of storms. The Lord has been refining me as gold through fire this past week and a half. He has leveled my pride in multiple ways and become my refuge. "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed are those who take refuge in him!" (Psalm 34:8). God promised me He would not let me go all-intellectual, and He heard my prayer for humility. It's true: The storms of life we go through make us like Christ. Now the quietness has returned, and life is simplified. I know of people who going through much more difficult circumstances than I, but what God did in my heart was monumental. My paltry words do not suffice. I wish I could express the high when He delivers me, but this is all I can say.
I have so much to say but no words. Not adequate ones anyway. This will be my poor attempt to relate the past week and a half that culminated the past two days--more accurately, how God has dealt with me and what He has done. I will go into detail during exposition to help you better feel the matchless joy and gratitude I felt in the resolution.
Last week was Spring Reading Days at Southern Seminary. I had planned a quiet, restful, yet productive week when I would write my Church History paper and watch The Lord of the Rings along with regular homework and ministry responsibilities. "The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps" (Proverbs 16:9). The Lord instead had something much better in mind than what I had for myself. Monday my "spring break" exploded as I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Several things happened unexpectedly or earlier than I predicted to which I chose to freak out and bear down. Trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps never pleases the Lord, and it just doesn't work. As usual, I set the bar too high for myself when I shouldn't be setting the bar at all. I should simply trust and obey. This requires faith, not fear. As the week continued, the sin of turning to myself and not the Lord spiraled into more stress and more sin. Though I recognized God's hand moving (a few cancelled meetings that freed up time for schoolwork), I hadn't surrendered.
Elisabeth Elliot sums up my experience actually in these lines from Keep a Quiet Heart, a compilation of newsletter articles she had written over the years:
"A willing acceptance of all that God assigns and a glad surrender of all that I am and have constitute the key to receiving the gift of a quiet heart. Whenever I have balked, the quietness goes. It is restored, and life immeasurably simplified, when I have trusted and obeyed." (13)
So far, you see an example of when I have balked. Anxiety caused me to tremble within unceasingly. Progress on my paper was slow, though I had crossed LOTR, two meetings, Bible study, the story group meeting, etc., off my calendar. I was distracted in my thoughts thanks to "personal life" and worn from late nights. No quietness dwelt in my soul.
Then Sunday came. A much-needed conversation with my sister brought me conviction, helpful instruction, and new resolve. I felt rotten but thanked her because I knew it was God's goodness to me. The conversation also provided me with an opportunity for incredible distraction during my paper. I sat in my hot room staring at the computer screen, fingers posed on the keys, but no movement effused. I couldn't discipline myself to think about my research topic or even move. I just sat frozen with jumbled, idle thoughts. Meanwhile, how was I going to finish my assignments for Tuesday?
Before I begin the actual point of this post, let me announce that my dear church family in St. Peters has their website up and running again! It's pretty sweet, and I am very excited to listen to the sermons from week-to-week!
Anyway, I've been sick and decided not to attend chapel today. Knowing that C.J. Mahaney would be speaking, I had to pseudo-attend via Southern's website. As soon as I began watching, I wished I was there. Southern really is like a family, and you feel it most when you're in chapel. (It's not all academia in the clouds, like some outsiders may think.)
After singing "All I Have Is Christ" and Dr. Mohler's introducing him, C.J. approached the podium to speak. Not long into his sermon, he asked us to turn in our Bibles to 1 Cor. 4. I cried. As you may have noticed, I posted about 1 Cor. 4 Tuesday night and posted a status on Facebook of v. 7. I am humbled by and thankful for how the Lord uses Scripture and obedient men to touch me in a transformative way.
You must watch the video and listen to his message. Then continue reading.
Before entering seminary, I feared that my struggle of going all-intellectual would return to the fore. I did not want to sink back into such a proud, hypocritical pit from which the Lord so graciously and patiently pulled me. Hearing the Word preached this morning--I'm crying even now--I feel His hand hold me (Ps. 139 comes to mind), as if He's saying, "Kristi, I've got you. You're where I want you. I won't let your feet slip. I'll protect you from your sinful tendency." He's humbled me yet again. The Lord is so good, and he assures with gentleness. What rest is there in Christ's assurance! I didn't grasp this Tuesday night. The Lord knew I needed to encounter 1 Cor. 4 again, especially v. 7. Thank you, C.J., for being an obedient servant of Christ and helpful brother to me and everyone at SBTS in delivering this Word. I am confident the Lord Jesus will continually warn and remind me that I hava nothing that I did not receive from Him.
I read this chapter earlier this evening and was struck by a few things. Before I share the specifics, however, let me first explain the broad strokes of the chapter. The church at Corinth was divided over which leader one esteemed over the other. In his letter to the Corinthians, Paul addresses many weaknesses and questions in the church, including this division. His address on the problem actually begins in Ch. 3 and continues into Ch. 4. Paul writes at the opening of 4 how to regard the apostles--as "servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God" (v. 1). Such a regard is a far cry from setting them up on a pedestal. He goes on to warn about judging, in the sense of judging trustworthiness, for example (see v. 2), and even further lowers the bar by saying the apostles are the least of all the saints:
For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. We are weak, but you are strong. You are held in honor, but we in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things. (vv. 9-13)
Paul says, in effect, "As low as you can go, we're there." In considering this (and sort of as an aside), I'm not surprised that people would regard Paul, Apollos, and the rest as fools. They are homeless, hungry, reviled, etc., for what? For the sake of the gospel! They are stewards of it. God has entrusted it to them. To unbelievers, who see the gospel as ridiculous, the bearers of the gospel will certainly look ridiculous as well. Why go hungry for a crazy story? Paul says they are servants of Christ. They are slaves. How often do we put great leaders and passionate preachers on a pedestal, favoring one over another? Paul says also in the chapter that he and Apollos work together and follow their own teaching in order to set an example for the Corinthians, to prevent the Corinthians from doing beyond what is written, in becoming arrogant in judgments. [Aside ended]
Notice Paul's language at the beginning of these verses. He says in v. 9, "For I think God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death...." He says something similar but meant more literally in 2 Cor. 1:9 when he writes of his suffering in Asia: "Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." Those whom God intends to use mightily he calls to much sacrifice and suffering. It is for their good in that they are forced to rely on God and cultivate humility, and, of course, God receives increasing glory through them.
Without such good in mind, it is easy to read Paul's account of their suffering in 1 Cor. 4 and feel sorry for them, but Paul explicitly explains that he intends to use their weaknesses to admonish the Corinthians. He is boasting in his weakness. He is saying, "We experience all these things--hunger, homelessness, mockery, etc.--to make Christ look great! So don't boast about us in what great leaders we are, but do as we do, and magnify the Lord by boasting in your weakness. Be humble, and recognize that we are only servants." So he sends them Timothy. Paul is their spiritual father, and he sends his child Timothy, their brother, to stand in Paul's stead as a model for them, that they would not forget these things. We see in this chapter that Paul is ready and willing to do all he can, in accordance with God's will, to serve these people. He loves them. At a cost, he wants to see them united and knowing the joy he knows as Christ slave, and he wants them to magnify Christ with him.
This winter has been exceptionally cold and wet in Louisville. I've lived here for almost a month, and snow has covered the grass nearly every day. (Today, however, the sun was out, the ground was clear, and the temperature was nice.) I live in an old, drafty apartment--though I like it--that presents a particular challenge in my bedroom. The cold air floats right in through the window and base of the balcony door. I sleep with my bedroom door closed, so when the temp drops to seven degrees at night, my room becomes a seven-degree freezer, for the heater is insufficient, perhaps even ineffective, against the gentle breeze.
I will spare you the details of attempts to remedy the problem and the sleep loss so as to not deter you from the main point of this post. I will tell you that I began to get sick, and my good attitude plummeted. My sister bought me two small space heaters on sale from Target, and now I can sleep as snug as a bug in a rug.
So what's the point? Well, one cold, overcast day while stopped at a light for Bardstown Road, Rachel and I witnessed a homeless man hanging out under the overpass. He doesn't have a space heater. He doesn't even have a cold, dry room or a soft place to lay his head. I wondered how a man like him could survive the winter.
Suddenly waking up in the early morning hours with body tense and frigid air drifting past my ear wasn't so bad. I knew I had to endure only for a little while. This guy has the whole winter. It must be difficult to persevere, especially if he is not a believer in Jesus Christ.
Rachel has the idea and intention of creating kits of food and supplies to hand out to homeless people when she sees them. She can store them behind her seat in order to always have one ready to give. I think that's stellar.
Since we passed that homeless man, he comes to mind from time. I wonder how he's doing, what his happened in his life, and whether he loves or is loved by anyone.
Recently on Facebook, I posted as my status something about Deuteronomy 15 and said that I would probably blog about it. I've decided to post my journal entry from that chapter. Here it is:
Deuteronomy 15
This chapter is rich--far better than a smooth cup of coffee. :) These laws focus on love for one's neighbor through providing for his needs and love for God through sacrificing firstborn animals to Him and obeying His commands.
In the first paragraph (vv. 1-6), Moses explains the law of the sabbatical year and its appending promise. Every seventh year an Israelite was to forgive his brother's debt, no matter the amount. (His brother was any other Israelite.) If Israel obeyed God's commands, God's promise was that there would be no poor among her.
God shows great wisdom and kindness in this law and in blessing Israel with physical prosperity. He certainly knows economics better than we do, and He had a plan for helping the poor and, through that, the nation as a whole.
On the flip side of blessed obedience (and showing love for God) is cursed disobedience (expressing hatred to God). Chapter 28, verses 40-44 explains the consequences for not obeying God's laws: Israel herself would sink into poverty and would be overcome by a distant nation. She would no longer lend to others but would be ruled by others. Verses 11-12 suggest that Israel would eventually disobey and that the poor would always be with them. Ch. 28 confirms this. Jesus refers to this in Matthew 26:11, after the disciples complain that Mary has wasted her oil by pouring it on Jesus' head. His allusion to Deut. 15:11 seems like a slap in the face to the disciples, for it would probably remind them that Israel's hardened heart brought forth the poor. Verse 11 says, "You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land." Isn't that what God does for us (Ps. 145:15-16; 1 Pet. 1:3-14)? Aren't we supposed to mirror our God in Christ (Eph. 5:1-2; cf. 2 Cor. 6:11-13)? Let us give freely, supplying for physical needs and spiritual needs, as Christ enables. We are not to give grudgingly or be greedy (next paragraph in regards to releasing slaves). We are to be cheerful givers, like our Lord Jesus Christ.
Finally, our dedication to the Lord is to be pure. God commanded Israel to give to Him their firstborn animals without blemish or defect at His place with everyone. We, in the same way, are to offer ourselves as living sacrifices (Rom. 12:1-2). This idea of eating to the Lord is wonderful. It points forward to the church in its corporate worship and fellowship. Zooming out, these laws in Ch. 15 appear as precursors to New Testament instruction--or, more accurately, the New Testament continues the Old Testament's train of thought. We see here that paradoxical "new commandment is an old commandment" of John's and the exact agreement of Jesus and the OT Scriptures.
Finally, so interesting, story group discussed last night not letting the right hand know what the left hand is doing in Matthew 6:1-13. Also, don't give in public with a hypocrite's motive. These laws in Ch. 15 get at the same heart level as Matthew 6 ("Sermon on the Mount," Matt. 5-7). Give freely. We should focus on the Lord, be wrapped up in His manifold excellencies, and forget any desire self-praise or self-sufficiency. That is pure devotion and living sacrifice, and what best pleasures are hidden therein! Let's uncover them like buried treasure!
Hi! On this blog I post discussions about the Word of God as well as everyday life experiences and thoughts. I communicate better by writing, so you can learn much about me fast by following my posts. I can assure you this: I am a work of God in progress. Have a great day! John 14:6
